Sunday, January 11, 2009

i'm not ready to die -- not yet

today started out as okay.

my daughter wakes me up by crawling over me or pulling my hair which causes me to smile even before i open my eyes.

we did our morning drill. bath. sleep. eat and play.

at times when i have to go grocery shopping,which i did today. i leave her to her lola who is very fond of her. i don't worry much when i'm away because i know she's with people who care as mush as i do.

i'm with my cousin, jessica in this supermarket in landmark that i'm not familiar with but its better than the one i use to go to. they have long aisles that took most of my time so i'm out long enough to really miss my baby.

on our way home, i tried to call my tita to check on my girl and tell her that we'll be home shortly if there is no traffic but my phone just shut off. i told my cousin to just text them and ask how my daughter is doing. they replied that she wouldn't take her milk and wont stop crying.
good thing the driver isn't old, he drives like he is being chased. i'm cool with it at that time.

then suddenly my cousins companion asked what date it is as if something important just happened or will happen. i knew the answer i'm just not in the mood to speak. then they decided to drop by this liquor store like it cant wait. they are walking too slow which never really bothered me before.

i went from worried to paranoid.

minutes after that we are in front of a shoot out that appeared to be a road accident from afar. i thought a tire popped or something but it was a gun shot.

its impossible to go through having cars piled in the middle of the street with its doors open as if the passengers just strike out. then men with guns, long firearms shooting at a guy in motorcycle not too far from us. we couldn't tell if there were any cops. madmen in jackets with guns is all i see and im just seeing, not thinking -- i can't.

i wanted to just run, get out of the car and just get home.

i thought of one person, my daughter who probably felt her mother isn't in the best condition.

we passed 2 dead bodies that night.

and just then, knowing that we are safe, i broke down in tears. i couldn't even talk. i was terrified. it could have been anybody.

we got home, i get to hold my little girl again. thank GOD.

i embraced her and told her i love her as i always do even if she can't say i love you back, even if she can't understand yet.

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